In the wake of the latest terrorist attack on Egyptian Copts, where gunmen stopped their vehicle, ordered them out, and executed them on site, dozens of Copts have converted to Islam hoping to experience the Islamic peacefulness and tolerance they have always heard about but never witnessed.
“It was time we got a taste of that sweet Islamic peace,” M.K.L. told our reporter minutes after performing his first Asr prayer, “it feels really good, Muslims are now accepting of my beliefs and I’m free to pray wherever and whenever I want, we can even build new mosques with great ease, as a Christian, I couldn’t do that,” he added with a look that either reflected satisfaction or faked it.
But being a Muslim does not mean full protection from Islamic terrorism. The Takfiri ideology justifies labeling Muslims who don’t practice Islam strictly, according to particular fundamentalist texts, as infidels and allows killing them. For now, however, these new Muslims are enjoying some peace of mind, and you can tell they needed it.
A man in his forties has deliberately sabotaged his car in the middle of nowhere to act out a Walking Dead fantasy where he is Rick Grimes. After the car stopped, he immediately drew his gun and told his family he was going to search for clean water in the woods. “Honey, we have water and we are in the desert, no woods here, shouldn’t we try to fix the car or call for help?” his wife, 38, said a little bewildered by his demeanor but contextually understanding what a mediocre life as a salesman can do to a man’s psyche. The husband lowered his weapon and started snapping out of his breakdown, his wife held his head between her hands and promised great sex when they get home , “we can even try some kinky stuff,” she said looking him in the eye. They both smiled and kissed under a scorching sun.
A recent exchange of emails between First Lady Michelle Obama and President Barack Obama, posted by wikileaks today, details how Obama had come close to kidnapping and smashing Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte into pieces over his insolent speech. Under operation Behave, Duterte would have been abducted by a Special Forces unit to be atomically destroyed at a special Area 51 lab using state of the art laser beams. “Punk ain’t worth even the fuel, which the Philippines does not have much of.” Michelle told Obama in one email.
Many generals were in favor of commencing the operation to test how the new laser beams work on violent retards.
The billions of dollars and twenty years invested in commercial biology have finally come to fruition, Dubai’s Jurassic Park opens its doors for visitors today. The park, located in the rainforest of the underwater Laurn Hotel, can accommodate up to 560 dinosaurs and 1089 visitors at any given time and will feature a petting zoo with friendly, docile dinosaurs. Taking cues from the movies, the park will not contain any dinosaur bigger than an average elephant or any animal with problem-solving skills, “they’re basically mentally retarded ancient reptiles, we’re going for cute and cuddly, we know our limits” Park Director Sheikh Gabar Abdul-Gabar Gabar Al-Thaleth told ADC news.
On the possibility of selling pet dinosaurs, Gabar said exotic animals are currently banned as pets but the court is yet to decide whether our dinosaurs are exotic. Citizens of Dubai were recently deprived of the right to own an exotic animal, such as lions and cheetahs, hopefully pet dinosaurs will be allowed.
On the other side of the Laurn Hotel, particularly at the Ministry of Religious Matters, the park was met with opposition from some Sheiks who view it as “messing with God’s creatures”, to which Gabar replied, “we are not messing with God’s work, just taking some tools from his old box and having some fun with them.”
The park is open on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays from 5 to 5.
CAIRO, February 21 – Egyptian Metalheads summoned Satan on Sunday in downtown Cairo to unleash hell on the capital of the already turbulent Egypt.
The Metalheads played fast melodies in the key of D minor with an added C# on double bass drumming and heavily distorted bass lines. Unbeknownst to them, Satan loves the D minor key, and the added C# just drove him crazy. It is important to mention that Satan is not intentionally wreaking havoc on the ancient city, but he’s playing a sick distorted organ, allegedly Bach’s, and the sound waves are tearing the city to pieces. Some call it the “renaissance” while others are panicking and reading the Quran.
Hami Waker, the head of musicians syndicate, had warned about this two days earlier, no one listened, “we all know what the C# does to the D minor key, the D is already a dangerous scale, why add a C# ?,” he said.
Attempting to expound on her remark that Egypt is ruled by a military dictatorship, Clinton insisted the situation in Libya, Iraq, and even Syria is better than Egypt, which has fallen into political stagnation since President Sisi removed the Muslim Brotherhood’s Morsi from power in 2013. “Libya and Iraq actually have a chance to form the future they desire because of how dynamic they are now, the terrorism and extremism and the deep-seated popular ideologies that fuel them will not hinder the efforts to transform these two great nations into modern democracies very soon,” Clinton said with a human voice.
“Egypt on the other hand, despite the fact that they have a newly-birthed democracy that might actually work and the fact that they have survived the brutal Arab Spring, is trapped in the struggles of a developing state. Yes, they have a state, but it’s boring and I don’t like it,” Clinton added.
In an eccentric and suspicious move towards Total Freedom of Expression (TFE), Huffington Arabi has started running articles written by ISIS jihadi journalists. The articles promote the ideology of ISIS and offer detailed guides for innovatively killing those you disagree with. “We are liberals, liberals is what we are, we believe in listening and understanding the other, Huffington Arabi is giving ISIS psychopaths the floor to explain their ideas so we can criticize and analyze their discourse rationally and generate counter arguments,” Arianna Huffington said attempting to explain the weird shift of policy, “no one paid anything, this is purely for the sake of democracy and Total Freedom of Expression (TFE),” she added.
When asked about minorities in the Middle East whose rights are under constant attack by Islamists, Ariana said there will come a time when they will have an internationally renowned and well-funded newspaper serving their interests as well, but for the time being we are focusing on enabling all Islamists, including ISIS terrorists.
An ISIS top terrorist, who spoke with a knife to my neck, said the concept of Taqqiyah allows Muslims to work with infidel older women if such work will yield benefits for Muslims. They also threatened to freeze my mother to death if I ever revealed anything I knew about them.
Do you agree with Arianna’s decision? If so, what is your favorite ISIS execution method?
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