I fear delusion. My mind has played lots of tricks on my will to keep me in my comfort zone, don’t you dare ask this girl out, she’ll reject you and it will be humiliating, don’t apply for this job, obviously you are not qualified. I have paid dearly and missed great opportunities. But I’m aware of the demon now, and I’m not 30 yet, so it’s not that bad. Seeing the body positivity videos on YouTube was like seeing my demon controlling other people. Witnessing a western woman, raised in a first world country, rejecting basic medical facts and refusing to acknowledge how obesity can impede your daily life and wear down your heart was shocking and motivating.
I was halfway through my journey from 130 kilos to 83 kilos, at 95, when I came across videos of fat people – barely able to talk without panting- who are proud of how terrible they look and the awful things they are doing to their hearts and arteries. During that period, my demon was beginning to be vocal again, you don’t need to lose more weight, you look fine like this, you’re a man you don’t need to look good, food is pleasure, but seeing my own delusion reflected in that movement electrified my spirits and pushed me to continue.
Now, whenever I crave chocolate or feel tired before exercising, I remember how easy it is to stay comfortable and miss an achievable chance to maintain a great mind-heart machine and look dashing.